Best Version of Yourself

Hello,
Long time, no see-

What do you do when you feel low? Many of us hear music, some go for a walk, some play with their dog and some like me just do their work. For a change, I made myself a cup of coffee 15 min back, although I know that coffee doesn't help much when you are anxious but I anyways did drink it. And now I am writing. I don't know if I have shared this with you, but writing seems to help. Just the fact that you have a thing that you can go anytime and express, gives me comfort. I am not sure if I have seen a drastic effect in me since 7/11/21(you better remember the birthday of Being You) but all the positive energy I felt during this period has made me feel various things, it made me feel confident, sensible, mature and for the first time, proud on myself. I don't know what it is like for the youngest person in other families but in mine, there are not many moments wherein I do something and feel proud of myself. My sister, when she was my age, was pretty much-doing everything my dad asked for. The present-day situation is a little different. I depend on her for everything, not that I dislike it but it would have been better if I was handling it. 

I don't take a load on myself for that, just like she had her experience I am having mine. My life need not necessarily be the same as hers. The previous sentence somehow is something I realised recently.

 All the years of growing up I saw my sister as the best daughter a parent could have, she was obedient and patient with everyone. Topper of school, fantastic in Sports and Theatre and always in school council. She was the most loved cousin because of her nature in both families. Everyone had their inspiration and idols, for me it was her. And as you can guess, it gets intense if you have your inspiration right in front of you, every single day. The only motivation of doing good in life was she. I wanted to be the best in everything she was in. Whenever I failed at something that she expected me to be good at I used to hate myself so much. To an extent, I guess none of you can imagine. On the other hand, she was never like an older sibling. Considering the six-year gap we have, she could have easily just bossed me around and made me feel bad for everything, yet she was so patient with me. She is such a good soul, the 'I will always be There for You' tag goes to her. 

I think that all this while I was trying to be something that I could never be. I mixed being 'like' someone and being someone. I wanted validation for everything. Taking validations is not wrong, but getting your decisions and your self influenced by those validations is! I started to lose my individuality, then for a reason that my memory does not recall, I sat down, slowed down and talked with myself. 

What it is that I am chasing in life? Career? Perfection? Being like my sister? Independence? and I was chasing none of them. The thing that was chased by me was being a good version of myself. A person that is sufficed with their life, career and relationships. A person that works hard for their goal but all the while sticks to their roots. A person that people look up to. I need not be good at what my sister is or my parents were. For being that version of myself I have to have my experiences. That very day I realised how different and unique I am as a person. I may not be the best at the theatre but I am good at writing, I may be a fool at sports but I like debating and public speaking. My sister was always on stage and ironically has stage fear. I don't have that, I love to express myself in public just as I am, right here, right now. That is how I am. And I would never give up on being me as you should not on BEING YOU.

To achieve that ideal vision that you have for your life takes a lot from you. But you have to work for it. Feel low, feel anxious, have self-doubts, question your capabilities, question your choices; it all is a part of a process. The process might show the result a little late but will be worth it!

With that ladies and gentlemen, I no longer feel low. I am back with my spirits up high!

I'll catch you in the next one,
Diana Jean