My Academic Downfall

 Heyy,

I may start a little abruptly but this blog should actually have been released after 'The 2018 Story' (which I am still working on). I'll talk about how life gave me a reality check and how I snapped out of my habits.  

The year was 2018, and my middle school officially started. Up until primary school, I was very confident about my academics and I thought that I can cope this year as well. Studies were not that difficult, the only pressure I felt was from never-ending assignments. I found comfort in school because of my new friends. The songs we sang during the Lunch break, how we changed seats and played games and not to forget our recent discovery- BTS. 

Almost every talk revolved around BTS, their birth month matching with ours, fighting over our biases, remembering the lyrics to every song, discussing RUN episodes and laughing about Jin and Jimin's 3rd Muster performance (iykyk). BTS was none less than a wave in our batch, it started off with our section, and went on to every other. It was crazy how much we liked them. Our class teacher was sick of us, she even called me one day and went like "What's all this BTS that you guys talk about the whole day?" and me being me I even started explaining to her, I said, "Ma'am it's a South Korean band with 7 people, they sing songs and dance really well". I did not realise that she was irritated. It was quite an embarrassing moment for me.

Also, the very same year I was officially introduced to Youtube. Although I knew what it was, getting to watch it without break was something new that began. I used to watch youtube for hours. Things started to get messy when I got addicted to it. Listening to songs and watching youtube were two things that started to become a part of my lifestyle. I still thought I am doing nothing wrong and that all this will not divert my attention. Frankly, I got overconfident about myself. I thought that if 99% of kids of my age have the same lifestyle then why can I not have it? But little did I know that you have to be that 1% to achieve what you want. 

Unit Test went pretty well. I was just disappointed with my Math exam but I thought I would cover up in Half Yearly. Then, Half Yearly started and I did my best. All this while, the habits I mentioned above did not come to an end. I still remember watching Fake Love MV before my Science exam. Things were going smooth, or I thought they were. 

Exams were checked and I got up from my seat as my Math teacher called out my name, inside I was like, "I might be the one who topped." and I get my answer sheet. In no words can I express that feeling, I was utterly SHOCKED. I was stunned by what I saw with that red ink on that piece of paper. It was a clear B2. I went back to my seat and started crying. So many emotions were there in my mind, I was wondering what would I tell my parents? What would my friends think of me? How can I score so low? Will I score like this forever? Will I never be good enough? 

I was shivering and weeping like anything. All my friends gathered around my table tried to uplift my spirits, but their efforts were in vain. 

That day I lost trust in myself, even if scoring bad is a mere thing, still, something affected me. Maybe peer pressure, fear of maths, fear of telling parents, fear of being a failure in life? I don't know. It is as ridiculous as it seems but that piece of paper changed me a lot. 

In all my other subjects, I scored way low than I expected. I was downhearted. In all this process of entering middle school, major things happened. First, my fear of math started, second, I stopped considering myself good in academics, third, I forgot how much is too much. 

The moment I knew that I am doing significantly bad, I wanted to repay my own damn self. I knew middle school is the most important year of each of our lives because we get to make friendships for life and have experiences like no other; but in middle school, we get to choose who we are, along with our family and teachers we also get to shape our brains and personality. I certainly am not a part of the herd, I make my way. So, to be that 1% I decided to change for the better.

Within the next two months, my youtube was restricted to a maximum of 15-20 minutes. I stopped listening to music on headphones and instead decided to listen to it aloud with family because that makes you notice the time that you unnecessarily waste. And I left being an army. My constant addiction was BTS' songs and I had to put a stop to that. Although it's not like my reason for not focussing on studies was BTS, it was my bad habit but for someone who is at such a delicate age, it was the best solution out. My standard ended with better grades but not what I wanted them to be.

Next year was a pretty great start to everything, I got a good pace in academics, tried doing my level best in all subjects and saw drastic differences from the previous year.

All this while, I am grateful to a lot of people. Firstly, my parents, I swear if they have scolded me for my marks that day, I would have not even tried doing better, they handled me so perfectly. Second, are my friends, my 6th-grade group was definitely an influence in a lot of things but they did not make me feel like an outcast or stupid about my decisions.

All in all, just a simple conclusion, do not wait for the right moment, make the moment right. If I would have accepted all of it as my fate, I would have lost. I know it is such a small thing in life, no one will ever ask about my marks but if you have been reading carefully, it was never about marks. 

Do not think what others will think if you will work on yourself. Working on yourself is not selfishness. Giving time to your body and mind is not selfishness. This influence we face towards anything is just momentarily, you can get out of it in time as quick as a snap or regret losing something for your whole life. Just try differentiating between good and bad influences. Although I am not a Guru, I'll try making a blog about influence.

[P.S. I did not mention my marks because the marking system is different in different countries and according to my stats, few people read my blog from the USA, Japan and Columbia. (I am freaking happy!!!!, the numbers are very less but it'll be big one day) That is why I mentioned the grade. This blog was quite long, I made up for my delay in posting;)]

I'll catch you in the next one,

Diana Jean.