Growth

Hello,

I don't know if I can EVER be consistent about writing blogs. I can only write when I am in the mood and space of it. Not much has happened since the last time I updated you guys, this academic session ended, my heart flew back to her college and I finished my second novel!! It was again an Agatha Christie crime thriller, 'Murder On the Orient Express. The ending was another level like in the previous novel there was no suspense as such, at least I had an idea about how it'll end. But this one got me. It was so unexpected, even a supremely imaginative and clever person cannot predict the ending. 

Today I wanted to write about my growth. Before 2019, I had a very different attitude. I was aggressive, very austere. This competition and being in teachers' good books and being the favourite child was the only thing I had in my mind, always. I could not accept someone else doing better than me, and when I say I 'could not' that means I really could not. I had such strong levels of jealousy and discontentment. At that point, I knew these emotions affected me so much but I was just too busy to care about what is affecting me. I could not bear the sight of someone else being praised. I may sound like some fictional psychic character but I wanted to ace everything. This rude and unbending attitude of mine is probably the reason why everyone thought I am a very 'not reachable personality' and that I only talk to toppers and I hate people who don't do good in academics. Even to date, people find talking to me uncomfortable.

Honestly, I never accepted all of this. I thought that I am too perfect to be wrong at anything. I wanted to be good in sports, do all competitions and win 1st prize, be the best in my studies, be good kiddo to my family. During the course of all this, I forgot that whatever I am doing to prove myself is wrong. I was just forcing myself too hard to stand on my own expectations. It sure is a brilliant idea to have goals and do good in school but you also have to realise that you cannot be the best always. I understood the difference between 'being best' and 'giving your best' and trust me, it has made all the difference. 

This crazy bag of emotions I had was not lifted up until I started 7th grade. I entered that class at my lowest and left it at my highest. That class, the teacher, those people made me feel the happiest. The whole year I was genuinely happy. The unity and the sense of togetherness my class had were beyond any level. No fights, no issues, no problems. We had such a great time together. We used to sing and dance together, panic before exams together, and cry after getting our exams checked together. Not to forget the amazing Home Science classes. You can possibly guess the amount of unity by all the 'together(s)' I mentioned in the previous sentence. I witnessed an immense change in myself after that year. I accepted that I am not perfect, that no one is.

 Maybe you are better than someone but there'll always be someone better than you. You will always find that one person who you want to be like, maybe in terms of money, body, talent, popularity, looks. It is good to have inspiration, I have and you should too. But do not forget your individuality in this process. I have learned to respect myself and my talents. I have seen numerous examples in my life, people who trusted and respected their own selves first and not even a single one of them failed. Now this respect I have towards myself should definitely not mess with my head, because if it does then there will never be any scope for improvement. I am not someone who'll just be fine and okay with life as it is, I am the one who wants to get up every day and strive hard to make it better for myself and the people around me. (ps. I don't mean money luxuries here).

    

The day I stop striving will be the day I will lose purpose in my life. Although I am too young to talk about purpose and there are going to be such crazy situations in life where I will feel as if I am losing it all, I will then just scroll back to this blog that I wrote on 29/3/22 and relive this exact moment.

As of now, I am not working on any writing. I have my school reopening next Monday, i.e. 4/4 and I am so nervous and excited and tensed about it, all at the same time. The next blog will surely be some story about the school.

I'll catch you in the next one,

Diana Jean.